Connecting the Dots: Vancouver, Part 2

Connecting the Dots: Vancouver, Part 2

A Supernatural convention travelogue by Axy @Aaaahhhxy

Read Part 1 here.



There are very few things more exciting than a pre-registration evening. When your casual PDF Gold pass becomes an actual badge, an actual wristband, and shit is getting real.

Maybe you can’t buy happiness, but you can buy convention passes and that’s pretty much the same thing.

G31. There’s my home for the weekend. With our proud badges still around our necks, the girls and I found a nice place to get some dinner, and a quiet walk up the hilly hill. 

I’m pretty sure there’s a vodka-raspberry hidden somewhere in that picture. 

Earlier on, I’d experienced watching an episode of Supernatural live, in the city where they film it, before a convention. Mind-blowing. The episode was heart-wrenching and had me in tears more than once (as. per. usual) but it also, once again, solidified my love for that show in ways I couldn’t fathom or explain with words. 

It is a part of me. It is something I can feel with my entire being, in all of my cells, and it took me a little while on the balcony, watching the sunset, to fully grasp the number of things this show brought to my life. My eyes got lost in the promise that somewhere, not that far from me, two of the most important people in my existence were working on that very show, and so was the third one, the one whose importance overpasses anything, the one who pushed me so far out of my comfort zone I was now getting a taste of what I deserved rather than what I settled for. 

To say that I missed them, and that I missed him, since Birmingham was the understatement of the century. And to say that I was overjoyed in knowing I was about to get them back would be an even bigger one. 

I didn’t sleep that well on Thursday night. Excitement. Alcohol (the best vodka-raspberry I ever drank, pairing surprisingly well with a grilled cheese and tomato bisque…). Undigested questions and emotions caused by the episode. Hopes and fears. Dread that I wouldn’t get the same connection I felt in England. Terror that I would get drowned during the meet-and-greet in the middle of people who are used to this, and to his presence so close. And the unexplainable stress of having to deliver several copies of a couple of books we’d been working on for so long… The crushing responsibility of 170 people behind me wasn’t helping. 

Friday came soon enough. With it, our first breakfast at the Six Degrees, the place that would get “supernaturally busy” all weekend and had tweaked their menu to make it sound more Winchester.

Our HQ. Coincidentally enough, we were on our way to greatly simplifying the six degrees logic and turn it into one. The one. 

The first day is usually the one I need to put myself back into the convention system, to take my marks, to let the joy take me over. It isn't necessarily fast, and I usually am simply happy as it starts. It takes a while for me to get thrust into emotions too big for me. 

So. Ready.

Words can’t even begin to describe how thrilled I was to see Rob, doing a stellar job on his own in Rich’s absence, and how beautiful Rachel is, inside and out. Her light is something to be celebrated. She’s unique and precious beyond any reasonable standard.  

At Birmingham, I missed Jason’s Q&A/musical session. Let me tell you something: I am SO glad I didn’t in Vancouver. Because Jason is nothing short of amazing. First, what a voice, and what a talent, but just as the rest of this amazing team, his sense of humor is not unlike my favorite human’s, and it was the perfect balance between a stand-up comedy show and the loveliest improvised concert I’d ever seen. I enjoyed Jason in England, but he won me over entirely at Vancon. Team Jason, people. Team Jason. 

The video contest winners somehow lit my soul on fire, just like they  did at Birmingham… And coincidentally, the same videos as those who had me in tears at Birmingham were part of the celebration. That’s what made me fully understand what was happening. 

Vancon, Axy. 

You made it. 

For me, things fell into place there. Usually, it takes the form of a tear. When this one is down, then something strange happens in me. 

Connecting the dots, finding the missing ones, maybe? 

I had one hell of a revelation during the Bri & Kim panel. I already loved Briana, and had a blast at Birmingham. But Kim Rhodes, my friends…Kim is a force to be reckoned with. She’s unbelievable. She’s radiating love and strength and a beautiful IDGAF attitude while still genuinely caring about the world. She made me understand so many things about myself, and she made me realize truths about who I am I’d never have understood if it wasn’t for her. I am forever indebted to her for all of this. 

The first autos of the weekend were Bri & Kim, and it coincided with the delivery of their version of the book. Briana was amazed and remembered that Kim showed the blog to her (Um, whaaaat?), and she told us that we’re so organized and focused she wants to be like us when she grows up. To which I replied that we want to be like her when we do (even if at this point, growing up is kind of out of the picture, thank you very much). As for Kim, the experience was completely different, because she did already know about it and loved it, and everything was super emotional, her eyes were getting incredibly shiny, and she held and squeezed my hands so hard while thanking me for giving her a printed version of this thing that had an major importance for her. 

I’d lie if I said I didn’t struggle to put this all together in time and in a reasonably nice-looking way, and that I didn’t lose a few feathers in the exhausting process. However, if only for Kim’s reaction, it was well worth it. 

Little did I know back then that the best reaction was yet to come… And that it would come from where I needed it the most. 

I was getting too tired to attend the karaoke, and so, after a quiet supper where everyone was reeling from the power of something we’d been waiting for so long finally happening, we were all off for an early night. 

Misha and Jensen were next on the never-ending list of goodness, and I couldn’t help but feeling like my experience was turning itself into something I’d never felt before. At first, I brushed it off for wanting things to go the best they could… But there was definitely something different in the air. Luck? Daring to dream big, not as something impossible to happen… But as something that actually has a chance to happen. 

I can't explain how. Sixth sense? Instinct? I just know that I was right. 

As we walked to the Westin on the second morning, Jess and I stopped by the question box. As I laughed, submitting my two entries for J2 & Misha’s panels, I said to Jess that I wasn’t stupid enough to hope to be picked again after my Birmingham performance with Misha, but that it was fun to try it anyway. 

And then I forgot I even put my name in the brown paper bags. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HA. 

Richard was in fine form that morning, and I was so, so happy to see him. As much as I enjoyed Rob on his own, there’s something so very wrong in getting one without the other. Kind of like with Jared and Jensen. You almost expect the other one to be around. And finally, Rich’s presence restored that balance to the universe and everything was just as it was supposed to be. At its right place. 

Then came something I had overlooked and probably underestimated as well. I knew it would be good… I didn’t know it would be THIS good, and I’d get the one piece of advice that would help me change a few things that were in need of a change. The ladies of Supernatural, together for an hour. First: Ruth is the sweetest human being ever. Second: The power of those four together is stronger than anything you’d suspect. And third: Kim is the queen of all things queen. 

She’s unbeatable. She let her emotions take over and she doesn’t shy away from it all, and if she needs to say something heartbreaking, she will, and will laugh it off the next second, and end up wrapping it up in a collection of fucks worth entering in the book of world records. She’s unapologetic, and she inspired me to be a little more like her. She said something that stuck with me and might do so for a while… She told us that you can love and care, and still refuse to be a doormat. That you have to stand for yourself and what you know your worth is. 

Kim was a fucking big dot in all of this. A huge one. 

Have you ever tried to enjoy the vendor’s jam? Because this is magical. 

Nothing short of perfect. 

We were upstairs and saw it from a couple of floors up, but Rob’s and Jason’s voices sound even better from above, and for a moment, lost in Louden Swain’s magic, I let myself float in the happiness of the instant. It ended up in a nice cup of coffee near the entrance of the Westin… And a wild Misha appearing out of nowhere. 

HOLY SHIT. 

Not gonna lie. Whenever one of the main three appears, that’s when the convention takes on a whole new level of intensity for me. I’m not denying the rest of the cast’s importance, and I love them all so very much… But Misha, Jared and Jensen are practically 85% of the show on their own. And randomly bumping into Misha made my brain go nuclear. And panic a little. All of a sudden, the weight of the yet-to-be-delivered book, the big one, the main one, the insane thing that devoured my soul for weeks, looked a ton heavier than it should be. Talking with Briana and Kim was natural and easy… But this is the dude that plays Castiel. For 10 seasons. In roughly half the episodes. 

YEAH RIGHT, NO BIG DEAL. 

Jess, the Misha equivalent of what I have with Jared, went for her solo ops while I battled the furious urge to nap on an insanely comfortable couch in the second floor. And by “insanely,” I mean “I dare you to get away from me ever again, motherfucker.” OK, dude, chill, I won't move. 

When Jess came back from her ops, there were dreamy clouds in her eyes, and the usual smile you get when something special happened but you can’t quite put your finger on what. It just did. It is the best feeling… When words are challenged and nothing can accurately describe the feeling. 

Then, it was time for Misha’s panel. And it always is a highlight of my weekend, because he is hilarious and always so full of unexpected pieces of knowledge about everything. 

That I had submitted my name in the question box was completely out of my mind, so when I looked at the names of the people who got picked before the panel started, I was overjoyed to find Jess’ name. I cheered pretty loud… Looked at the other column… And then found mine. 

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?? 

And here we went again to the side of the stage, this time my passport firmly glued to my hand, still so thrilled for Jess I couldn’t really believe it was happening to me too again. 

Strangely, a little voice kept saying inside my brain that being picked there would probably mean that my luck wouldn’t strike twice in the same con, and that I therefore probably invalidated my participation to J2’s, chance-wise. 

No one gets picked twice. 

Once was magical already, and it was my second time already. It was OK, I was well aware of my chance…J2 would happen one day. 

Maybe. 

I’d just have to keep on trying. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

HA. 

I can’t say that I remember it all, because the stress and having to deal with a not-so-good sound system while being torn between my language and the one spoken there, plus all the accents, make for a brain activity higher than anything you’d expect, and to force my focus to the moment, I have to miss most of what happens before my question. And it came soon enough…

I told Misha first that I found his performance in Gods & Monsters absolutely breathtaking, and not without a trace of anger at those snobs in my voice, told him that if I’d been on the stupid Emmys committee, he would have gotten it for his very performance with Nick and Jack. 

Once again, Misha isn’t the best one at taking the compliments, but I could see that he was moved, and that’s all I wanted. 

Strangely enough, as I asked him whether Cas would consider becoming human again to ease Jack’s transition, and he explained to me that he wouldn’t specifically because it gave him something that made Cas relate to Jack and helped him finally found his place, he didn’t really talk to the audience as he normally did, but he really replied to me personally, eye to eye. And Misha’s intensity isn’t a legend. When he looks at you, he really looks through you. 

He did say something I pride myself with, there. He said that he’s not used to talking about Cas that much, and I loved it. 

Overall, I’m not attending conventions to talk about Misha, Jared or Jensen. I’m here to talk about Castiel, Sam and Dean. Whatever they want to share, I’ve never felt the urge to ask for more. I think they do share a lot with us already, and for me, it feels wrong to try to get more. Because they already don’t have that much that belongs to them and them only, out of the public circle, and, mostly, because I want to gain insights on their characters, I want them to teach me things I didn’t consider or to develop my vision of those characters I love so much. So, that Misha noticed that we were eager to know more about Castiel really made my day. 

This panel was nothing short of perfect. And Misha was exceptional, but he always is. I’ll forever cherish this moment talking about Cas with him, and how intense it was. 

Autographs were approaching extremely fast, and with them, the first one of the three most terrifying and stressful book deliveries. My hands were shaking, and my brain was getting all foggy, and weirdly enough, as I remembered calling row by row taking a lot of time at Birmingham, here, it felt like it was taking mere minutes. 

Soon enough, Jess and I were queueing behind Misha’s table, and my hands were having a hard time not gripping tight the book, as I was trying to think about all the letters I received, added and formatted myself in order to cheat with my current state of panic. Keep in mind that I still need to talk into a language that’s not my native one… And that stress can mush it all up in ways that are impossible to explain. 

However, things went so much better than I anticipated, which, in all fairness, is always the case. I fear the worst, but because the stars are practically enabling me to be who I really, truly am, it always goes in a fairly natural, almost visceral way. 

Misha was so kind and gave me all of his attention almost immediately, as I told him I had something for him, he smiled and told me “I want it!” -- which was the best encouragement he could possibly have given me at that exact time. I gave him the book and he checked it, while looking quite moved by the fact that I was explaining it wasn’t addressed to Misha, but to Castiel. His smile was impossibly warm and it made me feel so, so special, as he winked at me while signing my Castiel photo. This was everything, and he was deeply touched by what we did, how we did it, and that we made it about Cas rather than him. It took me all the strength in the world not to cry in joy after that. 

One down, two to go. 

We picked up the lovely Katie on our way to get some dinner, and ended up sharing a delicious burger downtown Vancouver, while I was trying to store securely all the pretty memories that Misha had gifted me with, readying myself for something I love beyond reasonable measure. 

Saturday Night Special. 

And Jensen. 

No big deal, right? 

Read Part 3.