Dean's Not Fine

Bad stuff happens. And when you're of a certain mindset, like I am, you naturally assume that it'll happen to you. 63 weeks out from #SPNDC, I made the leap to do a big, stupid thing, just for me. I bought a Jensen op and a Rob op. A few weeks later, I bought a Silver ticket.  Dread settled in. For sure I was going to get hit by a bus before Halloween 2019. I made solid plans about who should get my ticket and ops after I died. The months passed, and it appeared that I wasn't going to die after all. But something bad would happen, right? In March, the cast announced that the show would be ending. Suddenly, the pressure ramped up. I need to meet them. I need to tell them how important they are, how proud we are. How we'll be behind them in whatever they do next. And then we found out that Chuck really does just love messing with us. One week before the con that I'd planned for over a year -- the con that I know others have been saving up for much ...

"This is the night you ditched us for Stanford, isn’t it? This is your idea of heaven? Wow. This was one of the worst nights of my life." Ahh, heaven. Apparently, it's not all it's cracked up to be. But as the Winchesters get tangled up in the angels' push toward Armageddon in Season 5, it seems like they ought to at least get a look at the place. Luckily, fellow hunters Roy and Walt are more than happy to send them there. This is a very important episode to me, and I'm convinced that before Supernatural is over, it's one that'll be revisited in detail. Don't be surprised to see Team Free Will, Chuck and Dr. Badass himself team up to give us the heaven we deserve. Your heaven may vary... Is this the afterlife that Chuck intended? Everyone sealed in their own little jar, as Memorex replays their greatest hits? And how much of this slice of heaven -- Sam's fleeting moments of freedom, Dean's even-more-fleeting moments of purpose an...

Don't get me started on Season 4! Top to bottom, it's the finest season of television I've ever seen. In my opinion, it perfectly ties together everything that came before it with everything that the show grew to be. And of course, it gave us the righteous man. He's not just the brash bad boy who loves classic rock and ragging on his younger brother. He's literally been to hell and back, and we're about to find out that he's bearing the weight of the whole world. Good thing he's had all that practice already. "But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart."  For those of us who were already in love with Dean, the depth of that love only grew in Season 4, along with all the pain we were about to feel. This season forged the bond... and for most of us, it's unbreakable. What are your favorite moments from Season 4? Let u...

"I know how dead you are inside. How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror... and hate what you see." Another of the foundational moments for this Dean Girl! This whole scene is pure magic, pure gold, pure pain. And pure Jensen. Daddy's blunt little instrument. There's not much more I can say except: Watch it. What are your favorite moments from Season 3? There are a ton of great ones. Let us know in the comments below.

"It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair, and... you know, it hurts like hell, but... it's worth it." Sammy, I hate to argue with you, man... but he doesn't look like it's worth it. What is more heartbreaking than the djinn episode of Season 2? I'll be exploring more about what Dean's heart desires in my Thinky Thoughts piece on "Lebanon." But "What Is and What Shall Never Be" gives us that first look at what Dean longs for, and it shattered me. The one-sided conversation that Dean has at John's grave echoes my Season 1 moment... He's desperately calling out for direction from his father. "Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? ... Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad?"  Again, John isn't there to answer. But his father's words are so ingrained in Dean that he comes to the painful conclusion all on his own. When Dean finally breaks the djinn...

Everyone was trotting out truly epic threads on Twitter to celebrate the 300th episode of Supernatural! I waited too long to get started, but I couldn't let the milestone pass without honoring the achievement somehow. I decided it would be a good idea to mark one moment from each season that had a lasting impact on me. I thought it would be impossible to choose, but I just went with it, and picked the ones that leapt out at me. It was surprisingly easy. So, these posts will detail some of my favorite moments from the show that changed my life. I picked one from each season, but this doesn't even begin to cover all the times the show has made me weep, left me breathless, made me stand up and cheer. Will we ever be able to quantify, to break down and sum up all this show has meant to us? Thank you, Supernatural. I'm proud of us. (All screencaps courtesy of Home of the Nutty , and quotes from SuperWiki's collection of transcripts. Thank you to everyone who put t...

Just our boys. On the road. In their Baby. Towing Dean's homemade coffin. Like you do. The themes of mental illness from Season 14 -- and possibly carrying over from Season 13 -- are boiling over into some of the most overt imagery we've seen to date from Supernatural. You can't get more blatant than the beauty that is Baby being forced to drag around this ugly appendage that starkly symbolizes Dean's -- and, in no way a coincidence, Billie's -- final solution to the battle with Michael. The suicidal symbolism runs throughout this episode, from the cop telling Nick, "You’re done. You’re buried," to poor Tony Alvarez, who -- upon realizing that God wasn't speaking to him -- grabs Dean's (yes, Dean's) gun and blows his brains out. On top of it all, it looks like it's time to pull the plug on old Donatello -- or is it? Cas gets his chance to apologize for what happened to the prophet -- it was necessary, but still, he wishe...

So… you came out here to see Donna, to see Mom on some – some what? Some sick, secret farewell tour? Sam, I know it hurts. But there is no way your brother was going to leave without saying goodbye. This is Season 14, after all.  Dean needed a place to work, a place to do what needed to be done, without distractions, without hesitation. But there is no way anyone can convince me that he wasn't going to say goodbye to Sam, to Jack, to Cas.  He wanted the box to be a fait accompli, so he would need to brook no argument. He wanted to carry out the plan without debate. He took advantage of the opportunity to seek some measure of comfort from Donna and his mom ( see previous post ), but he was not going away permanently without telling his family.  And that's part of the difference I wanted to touch on here... This is Season 14. The brothers and Cas have been through so much. They have hurt each other, deceived each other, betrayed each other -- but they ...

Welp, now we know what Dean is doing with Billie's book. He's building a box -- for Michael, for himself, for eternity. But first, a little trip. And it isn't a "sick, secret farewell tour," as Sam eventually says (we'll get to all that in the next post). As far as I see it, Dean is on a Comfort Quest -- and as we all know, it defines him, and it's what he fully deserves. Before he sets off, he gives Sam an awkward but heartfelt hug -- one that immediately perplexes and disturbs the younger Winchester. Dean is obviously desperate for comfort here -- both to give and receive it, in that unique way that is absolutely Dean. I had to make sure I had captured this moment. Then it's off to see Donna. Who is more like Dean than Donna? She is also masterful at hiding (eating, burying) her pain -- something we don't get to see much of, given how rarely her character is on the show. But she and Dean are kindred spirits in that way, and th...

Last Call A Supernatural story by Jennie @DeanIsntFine Featuring Dean Winchester @DWImpala67 This is the third of my VBF stories, featuring my best fictional friend. It is set in the winter hiatus of Season 14, after "The Spear." To read the others, click: Part 1:  "VBF" Part 2:  "Welcome to Rocky's" Part 4:  "Nourished" Bells rang overhead as I walked back into Rocky’s Bar. It looked like little had changed since I left. Over a week ago. “Well, well, well!” Dean boomed. “If it isn't Jennie from St. Louis! Come on in, my friend. What brings you by on this cold and stormy night?” “Dean, buddy,” I said, shaking the snow from my hair, “there's nowhere else I'd rather be. Today is my birthday.” “Seriously?! Well, then. No Cosmic Cowboy for you.” He dumped the beer he had started pouring for me and reached down into a small fridge under the bar. He came up with a green and gold bottle, complete with foil-covere...

Naked A "Ten Inch Hero" coda by Jennie @deanisntfine Inspired by and dedicated to Mich @raiahome Priestly's basement apartment had just one, tiny window -- set high, facing west -- and now a buttery orange light was streaming in as the sun set. Tish was nestled in bed beside him, asleep, but turned away, facing the darker corners of his room. It had happened fast -- probably faster than he would have liked, to tell the truth... but there was no saying "no" to Tish. A force of nature is what she was... and she'd learned very well how to get what she wanted. It had fulfilled every one of his fantasies, of course. And then some. There was a naked  goddess  in his bed, for Christ's sake. Warm, willing. But in his  dreams,  they were more. A lot more. He just had to hold on to the hope that -- with time -- they would walk toward each other, then walk hand in hand, and make those dreams come true. *** Tish wasn't sleeping. Look...

Welcome to Rocky's A Supernatural story by Jennie @DeanIsntFine Featuring Dean Winchester @DWImpala67 This is the second of my VBF stories, featuring my best fictional friend. It is set in the winter hiatus of Season 14, after "The Spear." To read the others, click: Part 1: "VBF" Part 3: "Last Call" Part 4: "Nourished" The door was open, just a crack. I pushed it, and bells rang above my head as I entered. “Hey, welcome to Rocky’s!” the friendly bartender boomed. “What can I getcha?” My breath caught as I saw him, wiping a glass behind the bar. I quickly cleared my throat and answered as I crossed the scarred, plank wood floor. “You have anything fancy, maybe with a tiny umbrella?” I asked. He eyed me warily -- but with a hint of amusement. I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Um, no,” he said, gesturing broadly around the establishment. “If you want fancy, you’re in the wrong place, lady.” “No, no,” I said. I s...

Imagine if your life was as filled with sacrifice and, well, bad friggin' luck as the Winchesters'. I've always admired the way that the boys keep fighting, many times in the face of apparently insurmountable odds. So serious is their work ethic, their sense of responsibility, that even their foes have learned not to bet against them. Bruce Hornsby's song "Fortunate Son" is inspired by the story of a Marine named Lewis Puller , who was the son of another legendary Marine. He followed his dad into service, and war, and lost both legs in Vietnam. His autobiography won a Pulitzer Prize in 1992. He tragically committed suicide in 1994, at age 48. The story definitely carries parallels to John and Dean -- the good son, following his father into battle, and suffering the painful consequences. There's no glory to be found in this service, the hunting life. Just pain, heartbreak and sacrifice. Always the sacrifice.  Read Bruce's fascinating ac...

Ahhhh, life on the road. There have been many songs written about the grind of touring, from the musician's perspective. Less common is a song from the perspective of a dad. When Bruce Hornsby wrote "Sunlight Moon," he was an older dad of young twins. (Bruce is 63... Russell and Keith -- named after famous piano players -- are now 26.) It's a touching look at the moment of saying goodbye, and how hard it is when the kiddos are at that age when they don't understand why Dad's going away, again. Our favorite three dads have kids who are just that age. They work away from home -- and then spend most weekends away too, catering to us, a different kind of family, at conventions. From some of the bad behavior I've read about since I joined this fandom, I think it's important for us, as fans, to understand and appreciate what Jensen, Jared and Misha are sacrificing.  Nothing helps me remember that more than this song. The song is attached...

Sharing music with my son is one of the best parts of our relationship... he has a real mind for music, and he appreciates its complexity. I was surprised to learn that, independent of me, he had gotten interested in the progressive metal band Dream Theater, which I had listened to often in college.  Each song is dense and dreamlike, but this one, "Metropolis Part 1, the Miracle and the Sleeper," is particularly rich.  So, with my son's interest piqued, I went back for myself and listened after many years... and of course, the parallels to "Supernatural" popped out at me right away. Three different ideas came from the lyrics of this prog metal opera, from different phases of Dean's life.  The song is featured below. Block out a little bit of time... it's a long one! (Extra credit: Count the different time signatures. Knocking the rhythm senseless is kind of a specialty of theirs... one of their songs has 81 time changes! This one is only ...

My son is a big fan of the metal band Trivium, and we scored tickets to their show a few weeks back...  Taking the boy (he's 13) to his first real metal concert brought some trepidation for his dad and me... but we were quickly surprised -- both by the friendly, caring tone of the band and its frontman, Matt Heafy , and the fun-loving, diversely aged crowd.  My husband and I weren't the oldest people in attendance, and their were far younger kids in the audience than my son. In all it was a massively entertaining good time (we had industrial-strength ear protection), and Trivium gained a couple of ardent new fans. Their song "Beyond Oblivion" is about runaway technological advancement and the peril it could place on humanity, but the more I listened, the more it sounded to me like an excellent parallel to the end of Season 10, and the beginning of 11, when Sam Winchester unleashes the Darkness upon the world to free his brother from the Mark of Cain. Aga...

Well, we all know  how well I was dealing with Michael!Dean, through the waning months of Season 13 and all of Hellatus. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. It terrified me. And now that it's obvious that the other shoe still hasn't dropped, I'm more scared than ever.  But we did get Dean back. And now it feels like we can at least be with him through whatever comes next. The Bruce Hornsby song "Michael Raphael" centers on the "bad angel, good angel on your shoulder" concept... "Remember those cartoons..." Bruce sings at the start of the song. Our Raphael isn't the good guy that Bruce sings about, but his Michael rings pretty true. It inspired me to make this. The original song is embedded below. Headphones or earbuds work best.

Connecting the Dots: Vancouver, Part 5 A Supernatural convention travelogue by Axy  @Aaaahhhxy Read Part 1  here . Read Part 2  here . Read Part 3  here . Read Part 4 here . While Jess still had a couple of ops with Misha, I went back into the main theatre, where Rob was on his own. And had MAJOR flashbacks of The Real Ghostbusters, which made me laugh about it as much as Rob did, while trying to imagine how Chuck would come back, Matrix-like. But to be perfectly honest, and fair to Rob, I was starting to feel a little (ha, a lot) anxious about the damn books, for so many reasons that I don’t think I’ll ever fully grasp them all. Very few people actually know why I created the To Supernatural With Love project. What was the number one brick of this Great Wall Of Us. Funnily enough, besides my best friend, there’s, as of today, one other person that knows. And it’s Jared. I was fed up with the free rein of hate in this fandom, and some vitriolic messages hur...

Connecting the Dots: Vancouver, Part 4 A Supernatural convention travelogue by Axy  @Aaaahhhxy Read Part 1  here . Read Part 2  here . Read Part 3 here . J2. Oh, God. If you have to do ONE op at any con, pick this one. It’s the best damn thing. My first one was mind-blowing, since, it’s nothing but the Winchester brothers, right ? SAM AND DEAN WINCHESTER. It’s insane to have them both with you. But I wanted this one to be playful and different. At the last minute, as I was headed for a good old Winchester hug, I had this idea that could end up being one awesome op. Jared was kind of surprised, in a “um, I’m pretty sure you are one of mine so WTF are you doing ??” that I went straight for Jensen and hugged him, and I asked Jared not to like it. I knew Jared wouldn’t so much as doubt there was no ill agenda behind it and that I was and would forever remain a Sam girl, but I also knew that if they both played it the way I hoped they would, the result could be br...