Dean's Not Fine

What does your heart desire? Dean and his heart, Dean and his desire... these have been thorny issues in the past, and fodder for much drama. The guilt in his heart he felt over killing Sam's friend Amy Pond almost exposed him -- and almost killed him -- in "Defending Your Life." Amara manifested as his heart's desire in "Love Hurts," exposing truths that were painful to him, but more than understandable to Sam. A siren came to Dean not in the guise of a beautiful woman, but as a trusted brother in "Sex and Violence." Even as far back as "What Is And What Shall Never Be," Dean couldn't dream up a world where he could shed his burdens and be happy with his life. The old Dean kept his truth tightly under wraps, hidden at times even from himself. These days, though, our Dean is more open, more forgiving of himself... and we've never seen that like we see it in "Lebanon" -- the 300th episode of Supernatural. ...

Just our boys. On the road. In their Baby. Towing Dean's homemade coffin. Like you do. The themes of mental illness from Season 14 -- and possibly carrying over from Season 13 -- are boiling over into some of the most overt imagery we've seen to date from Supernatural. You can't get more blatant than the beauty that is Baby being forced to drag around this ugly appendage that starkly symbolizes Dean's -- and, in no way a coincidence, Billie's -- final solution to the battle with Michael. The suicidal symbolism runs throughout this episode, from the cop telling Nick, "You’re done. You’re buried," to poor Tony Alvarez, who -- upon realizing that God wasn't speaking to him -- grabs Dean's (yes, Dean's) gun and blows his brains out. On top of it all, it looks like it's time to pull the plug on old Donatello -- or is it? Cas gets his chance to apologize for what happened to the prophet -- it was necessary, but still, he wishe...

Between this, the scene in the car and the ending scene with Sam, both boys were thrust back to a younger, more vulnerable state... And the fact that @JensenAckles and @jarpad actually captured that with their faces, voices... Stunning. #SPN300 is gonna rock our world, y'all. https://t.co/pTQ6V8ENYk — Dean's Not Fine #SPN300 💔🥃🥧 (@DeanIsntFine) February 2, 2019 It started with sheer terror. The images of Dean inside the box, at the beginning of "Prophet and Loss" -- the sequence we'd heard had brought some of the crew to tears -- kicked us all square in the gut. There he was, one of the strongest men we've ever known, reduced to a terrified boy in the dark, panicking in the small space, water dripping, calling out for Sam. (We know Michael initially kept Dean drowning... could that experience be making this terror even more intense?) When we found out it was a dream, it wasn't much solace. Because here were Sam and Dean, back in so...

So… you came out here to see Donna, to see Mom on some – some what? Some sick, secret farewell tour? Sam, I know it hurts. But there is no way your brother was going to leave without saying goodbye. This is Season 14, after all.  Dean needed a place to work, a place to do what needed to be done, without distractions, without hesitation. But there is no way anyone can convince me that he wasn't going to say goodbye to Sam, to Jack, to Cas.  He wanted the box to be a fait accompli, so he would need to brook no argument. He wanted to carry out the plan without debate. He took advantage of the opportunity to seek some measure of comfort from Donna and his mom ( see previous post ), but he was not going away permanently without telling his family.  And that's part of the difference I wanted to touch on here... This is Season 14. The brothers and Cas have been through so much. They have hurt each other, deceived each other, betrayed each other -- but they ...

Welp, now we know what Dean is doing with Billie's book. He's building a box -- for Michael, for himself, for eternity. But first, a little trip. And it isn't a "sick, secret farewell tour," as Sam eventually says (we'll get to all that in the next post). As far as I see it, Dean is on a Comfort Quest -- and as we all know, it defines him, and it's what he fully deserves. Before he sets off, he gives Sam an awkward but heartfelt hug -- one that immediately perplexes and disturbs the younger Winchester. Dean is obviously desperate for comfort here -- both to give and receive it, in that unique way that is absolutely Dean. I had to make sure I had captured this moment. Then it's off to see Donna. Who is more like Dean than Donna? She is also masterful at hiding (eating, burying) her pain -- something we don't get to see much of, given how rarely her character is on the show. But she and Dean are kindred spirits in that way, and th...

"I've never had anything this nice." -- Dean Winchester So now we're getting to the tough stuff. Forgive me, my thoughts are still very much jumbled on this. If you'd like, read Part 1 and Part 2 before we get started. While we waited through Hellatus, I had envisioned Rocky's Bar -- in my short stories Welcome to Rocky's and Last Call -- as a place where Michael kept Dean placated by sort of separating him into two halves... splitting the warrior off from the caretaker. The warrior, safely bound somewhere in Dean's mind. The caretaker, content to tend bar in a simple, but pleasant, fantasy. In my stories, Rocky is the absent owner, the guy who gets into scrapes, stirs up trouble, and Dean is "just Dean" -- a guy doing a job, who doesn't want to make waves with anyone. Rocky's turned out to be quite different -- and more than I could ever have imagined. A central question to me, though: Is this a place created by Mi...

Michael: Tell me. Why do you love this world enough to risk your own life? Castiel: Tell me. Why do you hate this world enough to burn it to the ground? How pissed off Michael must have been to find out that God was a close, personal friend of Dean Winchester's. #Supernatural #Nihilism rewatch — Dean's Not Fine #SPN300 💔🥃🥧 (@DeanIsntFine) January 18, 2019 Whoa... Steve Yockey, while doing some emotional, in-depth work with dialog and parallels in "Nihilism," also dropped some serious canon in our laps, didn't he? #Supernatural #Nihilism rewatch Cas is so absolutely done with hearing his brothers whine about their dad. — Dean's Not Fine #SPN300 💔🥃🥧 (@DeanIsntFine) January 18, 2019 I guess we shouldn't be surprised to hear that Michael has a beef with God... But in one little exchange with Cas, Yockey explains what we've all been wondering since the AU was introduced: Multiple worlds... multiple versi...

I set out to write a post that was sort of an elaboration on all the thoughts I had while watching -- and rewatching -- Steve Yockey's masterpiece "Nihilism." Turns out, it's gonna be three posts. Maybe more. So, so sorry. 😁 The thing that stuck with me the most was the ultimate invasion of Michael, to see Dean's thoughts, to spew them back out on the ones Dean loves. We've all had unkind thoughts about people we love. It's human nature. And Dean has been burdened... he's been hurt badly by the people he loves the most. (Yes, he's done his share of hurting too.) He's got to be more conflicted than anyone, in terms of his feelings for Sam, Cas and even Jack. Sam: His burden, his mission. The one who abandoned him. The one who betrayed him. The one who forsook him. Cas: Was meant to be his protector. Betrayed him, failed him, disappointed him more than once. (And remember all those times? "Cas, you child." "Baby i...