Can't Let Go

Can't Let Go

A Supernatural story by Ariana @arianaspn61497

A new entry in the second wave of the #SPNWishList fic and art challenge! Ariana is on a roll, responding to the prompt: "Dean worrying about leaving Sam and going to Purgatory."  Dean is  trying, but he's still programmed to look out for Sammy, no matter the cost. There are some beautiful turns of phrase in this story as we watch him struggle with that impulse. Plus, some bonus Cas feels. Enjoy!  -- Jennie

Dean stares at Cas while his thoughts spin around in his head.  Can he really leave this Earth with Sam in trouble at the hands of Chuck? 

Cas is right -- it is really important to get the ingredients for the spell. But for his whole life, Dean has gone after Sam.  

His first memories are of his brother. The little baby who cooed and smiled at him. Sam would reach out his chubby fingers to wrap them around Dean’s finger. 

The first time Sammy cooed at him, Dean giggled. This little person was looking at him like he was something special. From that moment on, he felt a need to watch over him. He didn’t know what it meant until his mother, Mary, died.

Even at the age of 4, Dean took his father’s orders without question, like a soldier. When John told him to take Sam and go outside as fast as he could, Dean knew it was up to him to save Sammy. He ran outside and stopped, looking back at the burning house, feeling the heat, before his Dad picked him up, running as the window blew out in Sam’s nursery. 

When they were safely away from the house, Dean didn’t want to let go of Sam.  John had to work on Dean to get him to give the baby up. Dean sat on the hood of the Impala with John and Sam, not sure of what was happening, but sure it wasn’t good.  

There were so many lights and noises. John was pouring off grief like the waves of heat you see rising off the pavement. Dean knew it was bad, but he kept thinking of Sammy being safe, and that kept him grounded for a while.

Dean can remember how it felt when his dad started telling him to watch out for Sammy. It was like John didn’t understand how precious Sammy was to him. 

Dean felt like he had always been protecting Sammy. Something deep inside him had already told him that Sam was precious and needed to be protected. Dean had sworn to himself that he would always watch out for Sam. Sometimes, in the later years, he would feel like he failed -- but you have to let them grow up sometime. 

Back in the bunker, with the door to Purgatory pulsing, Dean looks up at Cas. “All right. I guess.”  

Cas nods, and when Dean walks away, he feels like he has an itch between his shoulder blades. An itch you can’t reach, so it just drives you crazy.

Dean goes to pack his go-bag, and he just can’t stop the voice in his head from screaming: “GO GET SAMMY!!!” It sounds like his dad’s voice most of the time.  

He just keeps packing, because his body is going on autopilot while his mind is at war.  

Dean has always gone after Sammy. No matter the risk or cost, he has tried to get to his brother.  

The last time he did not go after him, he was in so much pain he didn’t know how to live.  

That cave, where the vampires were, in the other world… Dean had longed to go back, all the way to the rebel camp. His mind told him he had to collect the body. Maybe in this world he could bring Sam back.  

He ignored the pull, for the good of the group, but he still hadn’t forgiven himself.

  

Sammy came back, of course, thanks to Lucifer. Dean shudders at the thought of that fallen angel. He had killed him, with Alternate Michael’s help, but then Dean was kidnapped... and that’s a nightmare he doesn’t want to dwell on.

The point his mind is making feels like needles under his skin. If he leaves Sammy to Chuck, what will happen?  

Cas looks into the room at Dean frowning and packing his bag. The angel knows they still have pain between them, but he can’t stop himself from checking on Dean.

“Are you ready?” Cas puts on an exasperated frown, but he wants to know what Dean is thinking.

“What? Oh, uh… No.”  Dean turns away to grab a gun and stops as he catches the reflection of Cas looking pained. He had ignored his friend for so long, and look what that has done.

Dean turns back and sighs. “Look, it’s hard for me to let go of the thought of Sammy in trouble with Chuck. I just… I need to be there.”  

“No, you don’t. Sam is a big boy, and we need to save him another way.” Cas feels the anger rising up in him. Dean doesn’t listen well to anyone, and lately it has been harder for Cas to shrug it off and move on. Dean still hasn’t mended fences, and it’s looking like he never will.

“I know. I have spent my whole life protecting him. Give me a break.”  Dean finishes packing the bag with short, angry motions.

“Just be ready soon... we don’t have long.”  Cas walks away, feeling like if he doesn’t, all the frustration and pain of not having his friend will spill over.

Dean grunts as Cas walks away and then picks up his pillow, throwing it at the door. He knows the score: If they don’t have a way to stop Chuck, then Sammy is done for anyway.  

Dean growls to himself as he zips up the bag and takes one last look around the room -- before turning out his light and shutting the door with a snap of anger.

Dean remembers the time he watched Sam jump into the cage, pulling Michael in Adam with him. He couldn’t stop it, no matter what he did. He was too broken and bruised from Lucifer using Sam to beat him to a pulp.  

After that happened, he did the same thing, went off to find Lisa. He didn’t stay and try to make a deal. He didn’t do anything but mourn.  

That time Cas played a part in getting Sammy home, but that was bittersweet. Sam was home, but not really Sam. His soul was left in the cage, and Cas had deceived them.  

Clenching his teeth, Dean goes to the room with the doorway to Purgatory. Cas is staring at the rift, his back to Dean.

Dean thinks for a moment about pushing Cas in and then going after Sammy. Maybe he would have enough time to get to the car and away, but maybe not. He can’t be sure Cas wouldn’t tie him up and drag his ass back here. Cas was different now, driven, and it might have been impressive if Dean wasn’t still so angry.  

Cas turns when Dean doesn’t speak, and he knows anything else he would say wouldn’t help.  Dean will either go with him to Purgatory or mess everything up by going after Sam.

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. His brain says Cas is right, and the sooner they get this blossom, the faster they can take out Chuck.  

His heart is screaming to go to Sammy, but this time his head has to win. He won’t kill Sam like Chuck wants, so taking Chuck out is the only way.

“Let’s go.”  Dean sets his jaw and walks through, with Cas following.  

Just another day at the office, and they’ve got work to do.